Joke Thread

[Wireline]

This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to nowhere. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a
stop light because I was not really paying attention.

I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late.
"Great, just great", I moaned. (Remember, I'm 6'0" tall)

The driver opened his door........leaned out of his car and stared at me.

He was a dwarf.

He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.

He said, "I am not happy"...

To which I replied, "Well..... which one are you then?"

[Wireline]

King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the king protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

[CoreyM]

Did you hear about the two antennae who got married? The wedding was so-so but the reception was great.

[CoreyM]

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar, the bouncer eyes him up suspiciously and says, "Allright, I'll let you in. But you better not start anything..."

[Lawrence]

A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender states... "How you gonna pay for this, you have no pants and therefore no pockets."

The duck replies... "Put it on my bill."

[OKden]

A Horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "hey, why the long face?"

[David Klausner]

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have........a beer."

The bartender says "Why the big pause?"

[David Klausner]

A hydrogen atom is sitting at the bar, looking very forlorn. The bartender asks him why he is so sad.
"I've lost my electron." says the atom.
"Are you sure?" asks the bartender.
The atom replies "I'm positive."

[Wireline]

Gotta wonder - if that bear was a large white one, with no specific gender preference in choosing a mate and suffering from minor manic-depressiveness...would that make him -

a bi-polar bear?

[stereotype]

Oh.......all right then..........


........a roast beef sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve food in here."