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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #11
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    A session engineer was laying in bed with his wife one night and said: 'Honey, If I died tomorrow would you re-marry?" The wife kind of stunned paused and simply said, "Probably, I guess so."

    After about ten minutes, he asked, "would you live in the same house and even sleep in this bed?" This time the wife took a little longer to answer and said, " Probably, why not?"

    Ten more minutes went by and he asked, "Would you let him use my Telefunken 251 microphone?" Her reply was immediate, "No, he's a Mastering Engineer."


  2. #12
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    A skeleton walks into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop.
    Jim Schwarz (VIP)
    http://landoblues.com
    http://bluesdisciples.com

    "Great things are achieved through the steady accumulation of many inconspicuous small actions."

  3. #13
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    A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

    He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

    Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

    So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

    Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

    He never heard the shot.

    Funeral on Friday
    Ken Morgan
    2010 3d VIP

  4. #14
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    Default Don't mess with old ladies

    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Older Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Older Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
    see them--

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
    for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
    slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
    murdered the owner.

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
    license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
    owner.....

    Older Woman: I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
    Lynn Fuston
    3D Audio

    Making beautiful music SEEM easy since 1979.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wireline View Post
    A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

    He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

    Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

    So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

    Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

    He never heard the shot.

    Funeral on Friday
    Guts and Balls - The Medical Distinction *

    In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

    Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

    "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

    Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:

    "You're next."

    Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
    Doug Joyce
    Animix Productions

  6. #16
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    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT



    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.? What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do I need?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers.? What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOTT: One copy.

    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    ???????? (A few days later)

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

    ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
    Ken Morgan
    2010 3d VIP

  7. #17
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    It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez
    ,the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

    "Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death? "

    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand
    up."Patrick Henry, 1775."

    "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
    people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
    earth?"

    Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
    Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
    you do!"

    She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she
    demanded.
    Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

    The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
    Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
    1991."

    Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

    Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
    teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now, with almost a mob hysteria, another student yelled, "You little
    shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

    Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
    Chandra Levy, 2001."

    The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
    floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

    Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

    Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro,someone shouted "Duck"!

    Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?

    Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!
    Doug Joyce
    Animix Productions

  8. #18
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    Default Another old person joke, sent to me by an old person

    HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
    WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE

    George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

    George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them."

    Then he hung up.

    Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
    Lynn Fuston
    3D Audio

    Making beautiful music SEEM easy since 1979.

  9. #19
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    I have a very short list of favorite jokes and, to be honest, most of them are on that fine line between childish and juvenile. Here's one of my favorites. My kids love it too.

    Q: How do you catch a polar bear?

    A: Cut a hole in the ice and then surround it with peas.

    When the polar bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.


    (It still makes me laugh out loud, even just typing it here. I probably shouldn't admit that.)
    Lynn Fuston
    3D Audio

    Making beautiful music SEEM easy since 1979.

  10. #20
    Wireline's Avatar
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    What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 15 musical instruments?


    Stump the band.
    Ken Morgan
    2010 3d VIP

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